Jeff's Grandpa

On Tuesday morning I was upstairs in Jeff and my room packing up some more stuff to move to Cedar that afternoon when he was done at work for the day. I went downstairs and his mom was crying and told me that Ray, Jeff's Grandpa, had passed away. So I went back upstairs to call Jeff and tell him but he told me when he started his student teaching that if I went into labor or some other emergency I should text him to call me and then he would know that it was important. So I just text him, "CALL ME" and he called me right back. I felt bad though because I knew that with my due date so close that he probably thought it was something to do with the baby and for that minute between my text and his call he was would be getting excited. So the second I answered the phone I just blurted out that his Grandpa had passed away. Although "blurted" isn't necessarily the right word since I had been fighting back tears. Anyway, he was able to get off work right away and come home. In the meantime, he called his brother Derek and told him.
But then I went downstairs and his mom had found out more information, his Grandpa hadn't passed away, he just wouldn't wake up that morning so they had called an ambulance and he was on his way to the hospital. So then I called Jeff back and told him his Grandpa hadn't passed away. So he came home, his Dad got on a plane to Salt Lake City, and we all just sort of paced randomly around the house trying to figure out what we should do. Jeff was supposed to have one of his University Supervisor's come watch him teach the next day but they were able to move it up to that day, later in the afternoon. Ang & Der decided to get in their van right away and make the 12+ hour drive to SLC because if Ray (his grandpa) was going to pass, they wanted a chance to say bye, and if he wasn't, then they would get to see family for a few days and then go home again.
We decided to drive up to SLC for those same reasons and by the time we were on the freeway headed North his Grandpa had been put on a respirator and they had found a lot of bleeding in his head. On Monday, he had fallen in the kitchen and hit his head on the counter but had seemed to be fine the rest of the day. It just took 12+ hours for the bleeding to get bad enough to affect him. Jeff's parents called and said that the doctors were going to take him off the respirator, but they didn't know how long he would breathe on his own. Needless to say, Jeff was flying more than driving up I-15.
When we got to the hospital his Grandpa had been off the respirator for a couple of hours already and was breathing on his own. It was labored breathing and he was in a coma-like state, but still alive. I love Jeff's Grandpa- ever since I met him back when Ang & Der were engaged 8 years ago, he hadn't been able to communicate very well because of previous stroke(s), but he was always excited to see you and tried really hard to get across what he was wanting to say. Him and Jeff had always been really close and Jeff looks up to him a lot. So anyway, it was difficult to see him like that because he obviously wasn't the same as he had been. But for me it was even more difficult to see Jeff sit and hold his Grandpa's hand, knowing that these were the last hours he would have him on the earth and in his life. We stayed at the hospital the rest of the evening, alternating between the waiting room and his room. The nursing staff were great, and didn't make a big deal about all the people going in and out, although I am sure it added stress to their jobs.
By about 1 am, everyone was pretty worn out, and Ang & Der weren't there yet, and their cell phone batteries had died so we didn't know if they were going to make it. It's a surreal feeling to sit and watch the monitor with the heartrate, blood pressure, and oxygen level, as all the numbers and lines go up and down. A couple of time his oxygen level went to unrecognizable (<1 & normal is between 90-100) and those of us still in the room didn't think they would make it, but then it would hop back up to 50 again. So finally, sometime after 1 am, Ang & Der made it and they were able to see him and say good-bye. Jeff was determined to stay through the night and at one point I was going to leave and get some sleep, but decided to stay with Jeff. We left his Grandpa's room at about 2 and came back at about 2:20 am. Jeff's Dad was in the room, and his brother Jace and his cousin Spencer were heading back to the room. When they got there at about 2:35 am, all of a sudden his vitals started to detoriate really fast. At 2:45 am, he stopped breathing, but his heart didn't stop fighting for 7 minutes. I didn't know that was possible.
So then we left the room while the nurses cleaned him up and then went back in the room to wait for the mortician. At about 4 am the mortician came and we left pretty soon after that. Jeff refused to leave his Grandpa (or his Dad for that matter) alone at the hospital.

One of my greatest fears(or dreads) since Jeff and I have been married is I knew the day would come when his Grandpa would pass away and I didn't know how he would handle it. I am so grateful he had the chance to say good-bye. But, I shouldn't be surprised that he has handled it well from the minute he got the news-- he knows that his Grandpa was getting more unhappy and frustrated everyday that he lived in the body that wouldn't cooperate anymore. At one point he was consoling me. Go figure.

So now we are just hanging out in SLC until the funeral on Saturday.

** The good news about all of this is that my sister is coming to stay until after the baby is born instead of going back to Omaha. Yippee!**

stupid stupid house. stupid stupid real estate market.

I have been stressing out about our house in AZ on a pretty regular basis. Regular as in at least once an hour I think about it (in between thinking about what I feel like eating next and actually eating it). Long story short: the house is worth at least $50,000 less now than when we closed on it in June. Fanfreakingtastic. I just got off the phone with the real estate agent and learned that not only is the builder selling the homes for a lot less than what we paid for it but the other 2 houses for sale in the neighborhood are short sales. Short sales meaning they are selling them for whatever they can get out of them while damaging their credit score but avoiding foreclosure. But even with the super low price 1 of them has been on the market 6 weeks and the other 8 months.

This is the part where I want to swear really loud and a lot.

Ignorance is bliss because before that fun little phone call I was thinking we were probably gonna lose $30,000. Now I know that it will be considerably much more than that I am going to have to cut back on my thinking about eating time to make more time for the worrying about the house. However, the good news is that the house is only in my name so if we got real desperate we could short sale it and blow my credit rating into smithereens while leaving Jeff's untouched so when we buy another house in 15 years it can just be in his name.

The realtor said that it will probably be a couple of years before the market bounces back. And that QC was the hardest hit area in the county. Sweet. I am not at all opposed to moving back. I love that house and the weather there and wal-mart would be about .25 seconds away so what more could a girl ask for. Arizona has teaching license reciprocity with Utah seemingly few hoops to jump through so I bet Jeff could get hired there when he is finished with his student teaching this summer.

What a mess. Is it worth taking the hit so that Jeff can start working in Utah now? Or would it be better to just go back to AZ for a few years until we can sell that house for what we paid?

change.

I've always thought that I adapt to change fairly well. I think that maybe I am not as good as I thought- I just have never given myself to actually think about the changes as they were occurring-- I just dealt with the aftershock. Sometimes with medication.

My parents moving to Kentucky just hit me tonight. My mom probably thinks that I am a callous wench because she has been emotional off and on since I got here on Monday night. I have been pretty stoic and level-headed about the whole thing. Until of course I was talking to Jeff on the phone tonight about spending conference weekend here (at my parents) instead of at his parent's because some friends were coming to his parent's for part of the weekend. I need to learn to just tell him how I feel about something rather than try to convince him why he should change his (our) plans. I should have learned by now that we are both equally stubborn but that he has such a kind heart that if he knows that I am hurting or sad he will do whatever he is capable of to eradicate my sadness. Or at least whatever it takes to stop the tears.

It has just hit me that I won't be able to just "go home" for the weekend anymore. Really, my home is wherever Jeff is, but I don't know if I will ever grow up from knowing that if I am sick of taking care of myself and want to be somewhere that I can hibernate or whatever- I can just go to my parents house.

My dad told me that I am bossy. He's probably right. But there is part of me that would love to just be somewhere for a little while where somebody else was making the decisions and worrying about things and I could be the one to be 'bossed' for once. Although who am I kidding- that would last for about 15 seconds and I would be outta there.

Maybe it's a good thing that I haven't gotten pregnant yet- cause here I am whining about having to take care of myself, let alone a baby.

I don't know- I'm tired. And I miss Jeff. But I am trying to somehow balance spending time with my parents and seeing him. I like to be the one who is leaving/moving. I don't like to be the one who is getting left. Living in AZ this whole thing wasn't as harsh because I wasn't able to be around much anyway. But now, knowing that my parents would have been a quick car ride away such that I could have driven down and back while Jeff was in school to go to a movie with my mom if I felt like it, but in less than 2 weeks it will be a long flight to see them, after making that drive. The timing just sucks.

I think I am going to go to bed, read a book, and feel sorry for myself. Speaking of which, my mom gave me a pair of ear plugs to try out- so that I don't end up on the couch every night before I get used to Jeff's snoring again.