Final Fertility Doc Appointment

Our consult was this morning. Dr. Z. went over all of our test results. Luckily, Jeff is 100% okay and not the problem at all. We were both really relieved to hear/see that because from what I've heard it's harder to fix the problem for guys. As for me, he says that I show multiple signs of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) but he was hesitant to diagnose me 100% because he didn't want to get tunnel vision with the treatment. For the most part my hormone levels were relatively normal- just my FSH and LH levels were off. They are supposed to be 2:1 and mine were more like 1:1. It's also good that he didn't officially diagnose me because that could make getting individual insurance more difficult.
He wrote out a whole sheet of courses of action and his determinations, etc. My next doc may hate it or love it but I plan on taking that sheet in with me when I find a doc in Utah. I am bummed that we can't use Dr. Z anymore. On our way in, a couple was leaving who just got confirmation that she was pregnant. All the ladies in the office gave them big hugs and were totally sweet to them about it. That's the second time that I have been in there that a couple who is pregnant is leaving-- it seems like a small thing but it gives me hope.
It's a big relief to know, or at least have more of an idea, what the problem is- now it's just a matter of fixing it. I'm supposed to get another ultrasound to check on the cyst this month if possible-- if it's bigger then it might need to be removed. I'm crossing my fingers that it is smaller.

difficult decisions made easy

I have been struggling to decide for sure when I am going to move back to Utah with Jeff. I was waiting until I could get all of the fertility tests finished and to get the results from the doc, etc. But then I was considering staying even longer if we needed to do more tests. But I definitely have been not looking forward to the experience. Well, we are going to be renting our house to some of our single guy friends and maybe a couple of their friends. One of them already lives with us (I have a roommate- weird!) and the other one isn't comfortable living with his friend's wife so he's been waiting for me to move out so that he could move in. In the meantime there was drama at his current apartment because his new roommate went to the apartment leasing office to get a key when he lost his and they hadn't known about all but 1 of the guys living in the apartment lived there. So now they are going to make them pay all sorts of fees and deposits and sign a lease, etc, if they aren't out soon. Therefore, I need to be out of this house sooner than later so that they can move in. Our doc appointment is in the morning on Monday, October 1, so we're going put most of our stuff in a storage unit and I'll just leave Arizona right after the appointment.

I told my work yesterday that next Saturday is my last official day. Glad that is over! I was having a hard time with that because I hate conflict or contention and with this company that is how they handle people leaving- no matter the reason. Now I just get to survive the 60 hours of work that I have left. Luckily I never used any of my personal days so I won't lose my insurance until after our last appointment with Dr. Z.

I am sad to leave our house but I miss Jeff when he is gone more than I will miss the house. Obviously. He had his ONE test yesterday. I didn't get very many details other than it was embarrassing and he has said about 10 times, "I bet it's me." Honestly, I hope that it is me because I've heard that girl problems are easier to fix than guy problems. And let's be honest, how stupid am I going to feel if I have been depressed, obsessing, and upset with my body for 2 years just to find out that it isn't my fault.

Yesterday Jeff finally went to the eye doc and got glasses. He has needed them since before we got married but couldn't ever find a pair that fit him well. Luckily, Lens Crafters had a couple pairs that were big enough for him that he liked. Yay! So now we are both officially nerds with glasses. After work last night we went to Texas Roadhouse with some friends. I was exhausted from working all day and then just going home long enough to change, but I am glad we did because it was fun. The pic is from dinner—I am incapable of taking a picture holding the camera myself and not smiling the biggest, cheesiest smile possible. Borderline embarrassing but at least it shows our new glasses!

Last Fertility Doctor Test!

My last test was this morning. It was a sonohysterogram. It's an ultrasound of the uterus after they fill the uterus up with water like a balloon. Weird. I got a little nervous when the doctor asked if I had taken an aspirin prior to the procedure and I hadn't, but luckily it didn't hurt and I didn't cramp too bad afterward. I've read and heard horror stories about all of these procedures but Dr. Zoneraich is amazing. Before each procedure they've had me read a paper explaining the procedure and the risks and then sign it. While reading what is about to happen I get nervous and then he starts the procedure and before I know it he is having me look at the screen and then it is over. Anyway, Dr. Zoneraich found a small something on the upper-bottom wall but it was only 3 mm x 2 mm. He didn't say what exactly it was but he did say he isn't going to worry about it because of the location and size it is not a big deal. I called Jeff on the way home from the appointment and he is getting really nervous that he is the reason I haven't gotten pregnant, not me. My guess is that it is a hormonal thing but we won't know until Monday, October 1^st at the consult with Dr. Z. So I am going to be in Arizona at least another 2 weeks. I haven't told Jeff that yet—he worked a graveyard shift last night and so hasn't slept much in the past 48 hours so I am going to wait until he gets some sleep before I tell him that I won't be coming to Utah for a couple more weeks.

After the doctor appointment my mom and I went to see the movie Stardust. It was actually better than I expected because I have heard mixed reviews about it. Although, I have to admit that any time I go to a movie with my mom it is funnier that first time, with her, than when I watch it later on by myself or with other people. I couldn't tell whether Stardust was supposed to be taken seriously or if it was a comedy in the way that Princess Bride is a comedy. Either way, I thought it was pretty amusing and couldn't tell what was going to happen from one moment to the next. The theatre didn't have very many people in it so a couple of times I was trying to suppress my laughter because mom and I were laughing beyond the usual giggle. The movie is based on the book Stardust by Neil Gaiman. I am going to see if Barnes and Noble has it tomorrow on my break.

I started the book Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Fuller. Gwen recommended it to me. A journalist found 4 girls in sororities to confide in her about their experiences in the Greek sorority system. I just started it last night so I am only about 20 pages into it but I like her writing style so far. The Greek system was never my thing—but I am curious about it.

Fertility Doctor Appointment #2

Last night I could not sleep. By the knot in my stomach when I woke up this morning I am sure it was because I was nervous about my doctor appt. this morning. Mom and I woke up early to make it up to Scottsdale by 8:15 this morning. The appointment was for an HSG. I had heard and read horror stories about how painful it can be because the uterus can start cramping really bad when the dye is injected. Before we left the house this morning I took four ibuprofen just in case. The doctor injected my uterus with an iodine based dye and then as it went into the uterus and then through the fallopian tubes he took x-rays to make sure that there wasn't anything blocking the tubes. It was actually pretty cool to watch the screen and see the dye go through everything and then spill out. He said something along the lines of "You have beautiful spilling." Which probably means a lot more to him than it does to me but I will take "beautiful" anything if it means that the problem is getting figured out. My results looked similar to the left-side photo. Honestly, this wasn't nearly as bad as my ultrasound experience last week. Tomorrow is my last appointment before our consult with him, hopefully next week. I am praying that he has an idea of what the problem is and crossing my fingers it's something that can be treated by a regular ob/gyn so that I can move to Utah with Jeff. With just this one test left I am feeling anxious to get moved up there with him.

** The pictures are from WebMD.

On another note, I finished Blood Orange after my doc appointment this morning. It was okay. I didn't enjoy it enough to recommend it though. The author tried to have too many things going on at once. The author created too many characters in turmoil without enough development of each individual character to make them seem real. I guess that's what I get for buying a book on sale at Wal-mart.

ultrasound and bloodwork

So I am seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka fertility doctor), well technically we are seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist because Jeff has an appointment next Friday too. Our initial consultation was in August and my first appt. was yesterday.
WARNING: I don't know how graphic the rest of the this entry will or won't be so consider yourself warned.
My appt. was for bloodwork and an ultrasound. "No big deal," I thought, picturing the hundreds of baby shows I'd seen with the ultrasound being performed from the outside. Getting blood drawn wasn't a hug deal although it did surprise me that I wasn't able to watch the vials fill up this time. In the past I've had no problem watching the needle go in and the vials fill up- comparing it to each previous time to see if the nurse hit a good vein or whatever. Anyway, this time I kept getting a little queasy when I would look at the vials so I had to look away and felt like I had just taken one giant step down on the pain tolerance/general toughness scale. After that, the nurse led me into the room for the ultrasound and pointing to the table she told me to undress from the waist down. Definitely not what I was hoping. So then I am sitting there on the table waiting for the Doc and I see the ultrasound machine. And then I see the wand. Definitely not my day. So needless to say the ultrasound wasn't done by rubbing anything on my tummy.
The doc said that my uterus looked fine, and then that he was "looking for my right ovary." Then there was silence while he kept jabbing and poking and twisting that thing all around. In the meantime I am staring at the nurse's face who is looking at the ultrasound screen and she keeps getting this puzzled look on her face. But realizing that I am staring at her she keeps catching herself and going blank faced or giving me this little smile. And then he says, "Actually, I'm HUNTING for your right ovary." Hunting is not a word one hopes to hear when it entails your insides being stirred around like cake batter. But finally he found it. He said that it was hiding behind my uterus and that it has a cyst on it. The left ovary was fine.
Going into this whole adventure the doc said that he wanted to do bloodwork, an ultrasound, an HSG, and a sonohistogram (or something that sounds like that). So I am halfway there. Yay!
I have an appt. Monday morning and Tuesday morning for the other two.
I have been trying not to think about the cyst because he said that it wasn't too big and that with girls my age they usually go away all by themselves. So I am supposed to go back in 4 to 6 weeks.
But here's the kicker: Jeff is living in Utah right now, with his parents. He moved back a couple of weeks ago to go back to school to get his teaching license. I am still living in Arizona in the house we just bought a few months ago. Our insurance is through my job so to keep going to this fertility doctor I need to keep working, and to keep working I need to live in Arizona. So after our next consult when all the lab and test results are in, we've got to figure out a way to keep coming down here to see this doc, find a doc in St. George that can work with us, or find a new doc in Salt Lake City and start traveling up there for the appts.
I feel like we've been "trying" to get pregnant for so long that it's just how it is going to be for us. Forever. I can't imagine being a mom and at the same time I can't imagine how life will be if I never am one.