botched it up.

This morning I woke up and made breakfast. Technically it was because Jace, Jeff's younger brother, was in town and he was in the kitchen too. But still, I haven't even been unemployed for 24 hours and I found myself tripping into domesticity.

last day of work celebration.

Today was my last day of work. I am officially unemployed. So I celebrated:

just trying to stay sane.

So I have been in denial.

Tonight after work, I decided I had better start packing and cleaning because I am moving in a little over 48 hours. And I have not packed one thing. Jeff moved the stuff we never got around to unpacking to storage already, but we still need to move our bedroom set-- that is still full of my clothes.

Here's the thing- one of our friends who is going to be renting from us had to move in tonight because the power got shut off at his old apartment. Understandable. But it doesn't change the fact that his stuff is now in my room in my house. In the amount of time it took to bring up a bed and a dresser I went from occupant to guest. So weird.

As I was cleaning the bathroom I started to feel angry. But I know that I am not really angry- I am just sad. I'm sad because I'm leaving our first home before I had a chance to really make it mine. In this step forward for Jeff I feel like I am taking 10 giant steps back for me. Which is okay I guess-- that's what marriage is about- I just wish I had one or two more nights for it to feel like our house.

The stupid thing is that I have lived here 5 months and haven't made 1 friend outside of work. So it's not like I have all sorts of friendship ties- and honestly I don't really like my job most days. But part of me feels like we are losing ground on the fertility doctor side of things because when we move we will need to find a new one and then wait to get in to see him or her. And this was the first place that for once it was just jeff and me. I have so many good memories from the months we lived here-- mostly just fun dinner conversations because our idea of a good time is going out to eat and stuffing ourselves such that we almost fall into a coma by the time we're home. I'm so glad he is flying in tomorrow because I don't think that I could handle finishing up the packing and then drive away by myself.

I really don't think that I am going to do much more tonight. Maybe pack up some of my clothes. The rest can wait until Jeff is here so that I don't lose my mind. Our last doctor appointment with Dr. Z is on Monday at 8:30 am. Then I am going to drop Jeff off at the airport and start the drive. I am going to stay with my parents for a couple of days and enjoy hanging out with them without having to rush off to work. I have a feeling it will be like when I would come home from college on break-- I would fall asleep for like a week and only wake up long enough to eat something and then I would be asleep again.

This whole thing just sucks. I know I sound like a whiney baby but truth is truth-- it just sucks.

disturbing.

I am starting to feel old. I remember adults when I was growing up making references to their generation compared to my generation (x or y or something like that, I think). At the time I didn't understand. But everyday that passes I am starting to understand it a little better.

Or maybe it's just that I work at a store where only the spoiled kids get to shop on a regular basis.

Regardless, last night after we were closed, the porch was shut down, the music was off, and the overnight crew was already getting to work fixing the clothes, there still was one family tearing through the clearance shelves. There were probably 4-6 kids with the mom, I am unsure of how many kids because they were never all in the same spot at the same time so it was difficult to get an accurate count. Anyway, as each minute goes by the kids start getting louder-- raising their voice at their mom. The crazy thing was, it didn't even phase her. This was all happening while the store was relatively empty, and quiet-- so everything they said reverberated off of the wood and tile floors and traveled throughout the whole store. For me, it feels like I am yelling in a library when the store is quiet and I talk. Again, didn't phase them. So the Mom, while still shopping, ignoring the 3 angry teenagers standing behind the cashwrap, waiting for them to leave so that they, too, can leave, asks where her pretzels sticks are. So this little girl-- I'm guessing anywhere between 6-9 years old that is less than 4 feet tall, and has red hair pulled back in a messy bun, shoves the package at her. (is redder a word?). To keep myself from saying something rude to the girl and/or the mom, I then retreat back behind the cashwrap to join the line of sour faced teenagers leaning against the counter. Finally, the familys head for the door, in a single file line. Who knows what happened to the 10 orange shirts she had pulled from the shelves? As they pass us the little red head snaps (loudly) at her mom, "I only ate THREE, your FATASS ate the rest."

And the whole family just kept on walking out the door- the mom didn't even flinch.

All 4 of our jaws dropped simultaneously as we watched them file out the door. I am hoping and praying that what I witnessed was a parenting thing, not a generation gap thing. However, I am proud of the kids at work because everyone of them was shocked and appalled. That did give me hope because most days I worry about the inability to work and from what I can tell, function, in the "outside world." It brought warmth to my heart to hear them all start going-off about how they would never talk to their parents like that, and if that was their kid they would wash their mouth out with soap, and their outrage continued even as I walked them to the front of the store and they left for the night.

I don't have kids-- and I know that I don't know a thing about raising them. But if they ever do go crazy for 2 seconds and swear at me-- they probably will never, ever, do it again.

remind me to knock on wood next time.

So, a few days ago I posted about actually having a good day at work. No annoying customers, etc. bad idea. I think today was the day that all those customers decided to shop and the kids "working" today "worked" less than usual. So here goes:

Whenever a customer has a return, the kid ringing them up has to have a manager swipe our card or enter our id # and password before they are able to do the return/exchange. Today this teenage girl and her mom or grandma or aunt or something along those lines brought back a zip up sweatshirt. The tags were no longer on it, it had been washed, and they were returning it because the fleece left lint on "her friends" shirt when she took it off. What the?! The awesome part was that I only had 1 kid for registers and there somehow was a line of 5 people when the rest of the store was practically empty. So they were all staring, doing that shifting of the weight while heavily sighing and looking around for a clock thing. Here's the kicker: I soon realize that the Grandma/mom/aunt does not speak a word of English. She doesn't understand it either. So then I get to repeat myself all over again to the teenage girl so that she can translate it. After she does, the woman starts getting all crazy upset pointing to the sweater and talking all fast and for about 2 seconds I was grateful that she was unable to direct the wrath directly at me, until I saw the look on the poor girl's face because it was being directed at her even though she was just translating. I tried to show them the back of the receipt that has the return policy printed on it but still- they wouldn't leave. The same line of discussion was replayed 10 times. And for once I am not exaggerating for comedic effect. I keep telling her that I can't take it back. She then tells the older woman, who then gestures and talks fast and narrows her brow, the girl then asks me if they can exchange it. I tried handing it back to them. They won't take it. It's really awkward when a customer hands me something to return, I realize I can't take it back, and then I try to hand it back to them and they won't take it. It's like playing a game of 1-2-3 "not it!" with adults and in this case, washed merchandise.

Note to self: If I ever really really want to return something I should just put it on the counter at the cashwrap, tell the associate working that I want to return it, and then refuse to pick it back up again.

Just in case you're wondering, there is still the line of customers waiting.

So I finally log in with my ID on a different computer and have my register kid use it (she is so relieved to be dismissed from the awkwardness that she uses the tagline: "Do you need any more Jake (cologne) or Malaia (perfume) today?"with even more enthusiasm than usual), while I continue to deal with the sweatshirt. I honestly could not tell what was wrong with the sweatshirt, and they had the reciept and tag, it just wasn't attached. So I am a sucker and finally agreed to let them exchange it.

Once again, I am an idiot in the wide wide world of retail management. They walk away from the cashwrap, triumphant, and I barely have time to roll my eyes, heave a big sigh, and answer the ringing phone before I turn around and THEY'RE BACK, BEHIND THE CASHWRAP. And talking at me. And having zero regard for personal space. I can't hear what she is saying or what the person on the phone is saying because it is all being outdone by the last 30 seconds of "California" by Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting over the sound system. Finally, I figure out that they're wanting a personal tour of the store so that I can be their personal shopper on their quest to find a fleece sweatshirt that doesn't have lint and/or ball up. Or at least I think that is what they thought was wrong with the one I am not supposed to be returning for them, but am. So I walk over to the girl's side of the store, flail my arms wildly in every direction because there just happen to be about 5 different sweatshirts in the room in every direction and surely they'll be able to find one that pleases them enough to then get the hell out of the store.

For the best results in understanding my day at work: reread experience. Rinse. Repeat.

things that make me happy.

Tonight at work I went to Barnes and Noble on my break, it is in the mall also. There is a play area for little kids with benches wrapping all the way around it for parents to sit and watch their kids while keeping them barricaded like little lambs. It just has things for them to crawl through, slide on, run on, balance on, etc. Nothing too crazy but very entertaining to watch as toddlers focus 110% on their little path and crash into each other, etc. Anyway, as I passed it on the way into the bookstore there were a lot of kids running around in it-- all either barefoot or with just socks on. I left the bookstore right at 9 and by this time, when the mall closes, there was only one family left. It was a Mom, what looked like a Grandma, a Dad, and two sons- one a toddler and the other probably about 5 or 6. Who knows, he could have been 8- I'm pretty terrible at guessing ages, not important. As I was walking by I saw the dad, in his socks, running around on the paths and crawling through giant apples. This wasn't a little man I might mention-- probably about Jeff's size. The only thing distracting him from playing was his toddler son who kept escaping the play area trying to get to the elevator. In the 30 seconds it took me to walk past them I saw him slide on his belly through a tube, barrel roll down a slope, chase after his son, hopscotch, crawl through the apple, chase after his son again, and then defeating my urge to just stop and watch- I walked back to work. While I was walking I could hear his wife laughing out loud as she watched- obviously thinking that her husband was the funniest person on the planet. I realized that I had this silly grin on my face as I was walking away. It totally made my night.
Moral of the story: I think Dads, or parents in general, who are willing to let their kids be the center of their universe such that they are willing to be silly and play with them at home, let alone in public, are awesome and amazing, and knowing that it's possible makes me happy.

It's official. I haven't accomplished anything this morning. BUT-- I have had fun playing with Photoshop! I am so excited to visit the girls in a month! These pictures crack me up because they totally show their personalities. They are all so different- Katelyn is her dad's mini-me but she has kindest heart like her mom. Annie should have been mine. If Jeff and I had gotten our acts together when he got home off of his mission I know that she would have come to us instead! Samantha is a clown from what I hear about her. I haven't gotten to spend too much time with her because Ang moved just a couple of months after she was born. Yesterday when I was on the phone with my sister I kept hearing this loud noise in the background-- Angie explained that it was Samantha making a cow noise because of a picture in her book. It definitely wasn't "MOOO" it was more like "GGNNNAAAWWW." So funny.

clean break

I finally got a call back from A&F/Hollister, Co. Human Resources. When I told my District Manager over a month ago about how Jeff had to move suddenly and that I would be following him in a month or so she seemed okay with it. Obviously wasn't thrilled because they have a hard time finding managers, but she didn't freak out. Then, a couple weeks later, she tells me that I have to stay an extra two weeks and find someone to replace me. What the?! For someone reason I thought that as a District Manager that was her job. So I told her that the 27th was going to be my official last day- but that I might be able to stay a couple of days longer, if I could day personal days at some point. Well, the personal days turned out to be not possible, and then the guys who are going to move in need to move in soon, so I approached her about it. She said that our new District Manager, Scott, is who I need to talk to about it- he just became our District Manager yesterday. But she then repeated that in order to leave in good standing I have to find someone to replace me. HA! So I called HR. Really I called to find out how many personal days I have, but then I figured that while I had them on the phone I should ask about policy regarding resignation notice and good standing. Got a call back today-- found out that she's saying that I said I would stay an extra 8 weeks. Ummm . . . that would mean that I was working for the company after giving resignation notice almost as long as I was working before notice. That makes a lot of sense. Doesn't matter regardless, because as it turns out, I don't have to find someone to replace me! I wasn't going to kill myself trying to, but at least it's nice to know that if I have to list it at a reference I can, although I don't think that the DM in question would give me glowing reviews now! If I ever start to consider retail management again I hope someone in my life talks me out of it.

Latest Adventure to Barnes & Noble

One of my favorite things in the whole world is to go to Barnes & Noble and see what books they have for "Buy 2, Get the 3rd FREE." I told Jeff that I would pay to get the job to decide what books went on that table. He didn't understand why the idea was so thrilling to me-- I can't even explain why it would be awesome- I just think it would be.
This week the 3 I picked are:
The Traveler by John Twelve Hawks, Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi, and The Life of Elizabeth I by Alison Weir.
I've already started The Traveler but am struggling with it. There are three groups of people in the book, one of which is named "the Harlequins," and every time I see the word "Harlequin" I picture large cow spotted Great Danes. Not good. However, it was the cheapest of the three, so technically it was free so I am going to give it another 50 pages and then decide whether it is worth finishing. Plus, I'm excited to read the Alison Weir book- she wrote Eleanor of Aquitaine which is probably my favorite biography to date.
Other good news from today is that my sister and her family will probably move back west after Derek finishes Law School! We talked this morning and have decided that I should visit her in Omaha for Halloween-- I guess I'd better call and tell Jeff!
I finally got photoshop working this morning. After sitting on hold for 15 minutes. Awesome, especially because I am almost positive we are over our minutes for the month. Now that it is installed and registered, etc. it is about the most awesome toy I have and it will be a miracle if I manage to get anything packed this week before Jeff is back in town to take it to storage. Wish me luck!

Thomas

My little brother is in the MTC right now. He is going to New Hampshire- Spanish speaking. I had no idea there was such a thing before he got his call. To be honest, he has been gone about a month and I haven't really missed him. I haven't lived in the same house has him since he was 12 so I am used to going months without seeing him. But today, I don't know if it's because I haven't had much to do or what but I have been thinking about him a lot. I'd gotten used to random texts from him every couple of days, such as "where can my friend get mace?" or "what is that bomb thing you eat with tuna and ketchup?" Usually I would text right back with an answer to whatever question he was asking. It wasn't until later that I started to wonder why he came to me with the random questions.
Whenever him and Jeff were around each other I would get so frustrated because somehow the combination of an 18 year old and a 25 year old equaled two 17 year olds. An entire weekend would go by and I wouldn't hear either of them speak in a normal voice-- everything was discussed in ebonics, lisps, or that weird spitty thing like Sid the Sloth on Ice Age. Luckily, we were able to spend some time together a few weeks before he left. We were in Roosevelt so he was away from his friends and didn't have cell phone service 24/7. We had a couple real conversations and I am grateful for that. He's one of the funniest kids I know and seems to be doing well at the MTC so that is good.

Fergie-Clumsy (live)

This song has been stuck in my head for the last 24 hours-- my apologies.

**Gwen this one's for you.

Stupid Photoshop

I dropped Jeff off at the airport this afternoon. When I got home I tried to download Adobe Photoshop Elements in preparation for my sweet new digital camera that I am going to get. I haven't been so frustrated in a long, long time. The laptop that I am using has Windows Vista on it and I had no idea how big of a pain the whole process was going to be. Had I known, I would have just read a book instead and gone to the store tomorrow and bought the program then. Let's just say that Jeff was able to fly to Vegas, go to my parent's house, check out my dad's organized garage, eat a brownie, get gas, and then drive all the way to his parent's house in St. George, and start his laundry before I was even able to get to the part where the program set up asks for the serial number (the serial number that I found out after much swearing, is not even available until 6 am Pacific Standard Time, aka, tomorrow).

SO DUMB. As I was raging about the whole thing my body temperature must have raised about 10 degrees and on top of that my laptop was burning stripes onto the top of my thighs—all of a sudden I was having flashbacks of sitting in the passenger seat holding two large pizzas and crazy bread (if we were feeling adventurous) on my lap on the drive home from Little Ceasers with my mom in over a hundred degree weather. So to compensate I went downstairs and scooped up and ate a giant bowl of ice cream. While I was scooping it out of the carton I kept hearing the voice-over guy from Tuesday's Biggest Loser who asked "How many jumping jacks would you have to do to burn off a bowl of ice cream?" and other guilt inducing questions. I think the answer was somewhere around two million. However, my mom's response to the jumping jack question- "that just tells me that jumping jacks aren't a very efficient exercise" made it possible for me to love every bowl scraping spoonful of my chocolate & coffee ice cream.

On a more-happy-less-rage-and-guilt note, the tv show Brothers & Sisters was on tonight. Last season I recorded every episode because the writer from Everwood is one of the writers for the Brothers & Sisters. Unfortunately, I was too busy watching Everwood to actually watch B & S, and then we moved. Well tonight I saw that it (B & S) was on and it was new—they were doing one of those episodes where they explain the previous season in its entirety in one 60 minute time slot. So I recorded it. But I did watch it long enough to see that Amy from Everwood was added to the cast of Brothers & Sisters sometime last season. Therefore, I plan to watch every single episode of Brothers & Sisters that I possibly can. Jeff wasn't too thrilled by the news. But that is okay because as with every other slightly embarrassing show that I get sucked into—he will first complain, then he will mock it (and my addiction to said show), then he will just happen to linger in the room a little longer than normal as I watch an episode (asking questions regarding the storyline as I fast forward commercials), then he will covertly watch a recorded episode when I am not at home, then he will watch an entire episode with me, and the next thing I know I will be getting in trouble for watching it without him. It's a beautiful process to witness and it's one of the many reasons I love him so much.

Fantastic day at work—and for once, I mean it.

First of all- Lori, one of my best friends, had her baby last night!! I am so excited for her I can hardly stand it. Her and Tyson have been through all the fertility drama and were finally able to get her pregnant and now they have a healthy little boy! I know she is going to be an awesome mom and I love it when couples who have been wanting a baby so bad for so long finally have that dream come true because it reminds me that it really does happen. She has been a great support system to me as I have struggled the past couple of years and her advice means a lot because I know she knows exactly how I am feeling- even if it doesn't make sense. There are some parts of moving to Utah that I am not thrilled about but I am really excited to be moving there and not working all the time so that I will have a chance to visit friends—which means that I can go spend a couple days with her and little Gavin and I can't wait! It's funny how fast life just happens—we swam together in high school and if someone had told me that in 7 years this is where we'd be I would have laughed!

Anyway, work today was actually pretty good. This is the first official day that no customers got mad or complained to me about one thing or another. Usually I have at least 1 parent complain to me about how loud the music is, or how dark the store is, or that they can't find their size, or that because a shirt was placed on a shelf with sale items and even though it isn't marked sale and it is the only one like it on the shelf then surely it must be sale too, or that they can only take 5 items into the fitting rooms, or that the line is too long, or that I should let them return an item that has obviously been worn, doesn't have a tag, and doesn't have a receipt because they say so and the list goes on and on and on. BUT NOT TODAY!! We were actually pretty busy too but somehow the customers weren't mean today. 1 work day down, 5 more to go. AND I don't have to be back until Tuesday afternoon at 5. That almost counts as 3 days off. Jeff suggested that I go to Barnes and Noble on Monday—he must have been feeling daring because that is a dangerous situation—especially because I am out of new books to read.

Speaking of which: Pledged was better the first half than the second half. No, that isn't fair, it was better the first 3 quarters than the last quarter. It was very interesting and disturbing at the same time but I got bored with all the information regarding the different sororities on a national level.

 

difficult decisions made easy

I have been struggling to decide for sure when I am going to move back to Utah with Jeff. I was waiting until I could get all of the fertility tests finished and to get the results from the doc, etc. But then I was considering staying even longer if we needed to do more tests. But I definitely have been not looking forward to the experience. Well, we are going to be renting our house to some of our single guy friends and maybe a couple of their friends. One of them already lives with us (I have a roommate- weird!) and the other one isn't comfortable living with his friend's wife so he's been waiting for me to move out so that he could move in. In the meantime there was drama at his current apartment because his new roommate went to the apartment leasing office to get a key when he lost his and they hadn't known about all but 1 of the guys living in the apartment lived there. So now they are going to make them pay all sorts of fees and deposits and sign a lease, etc, if they aren't out soon. Therefore, I need to be out of this house sooner than later so that they can move in. Our doc appointment is in the morning on Monday, October 1, so we're going put most of our stuff in a storage unit and I'll just leave Arizona right after the appointment.

I told my work yesterday that next Saturday is my last official day. Glad that is over! I was having a hard time with that because I hate conflict or contention and with this company that is how they handle people leaving- no matter the reason. Now I just get to survive the 60 hours of work that I have left. Luckily I never used any of my personal days so I won't lose my insurance until after our last appointment with Dr. Z.

I am sad to leave our house but I miss Jeff when he is gone more than I will miss the house. Obviously. He had his ONE test yesterday. I didn't get very many details other than it was embarrassing and he has said about 10 times, "I bet it's me." Honestly, I hope that it is me because I've heard that girl problems are easier to fix than guy problems. And let's be honest, how stupid am I going to feel if I have been depressed, obsessing, and upset with my body for 2 years just to find out that it isn't my fault.

Yesterday Jeff finally went to the eye doc and got glasses. He has needed them since before we got married but couldn't ever find a pair that fit him well. Luckily, Lens Crafters had a couple pairs that were big enough for him that he liked. Yay! So now we are both officially nerds with glasses. After work last night we went to Texas Roadhouse with some friends. I was exhausted from working all day and then just going home long enough to change, but I am glad we did because it was fun. The pic is from dinner—I am incapable of taking a picture holding the camera myself and not smiling the biggest, cheesiest smile possible. Borderline embarrassing but at least it shows our new glasses!

Yay for almost Friday

So at work today I was able to actually leave for the first time this week and take a food break. I had some extra time so I went over to Lenscrafters on the other side of the mall to see if they had any glasses that I liked better. Yes, I know, I am a nerd and writing about the damned things two times in a row. Jeff didn't sound thrilled on the phone when I told him that he was going to have to come to the mall and help me pick out a pair, even when I tried to spin it saying, "really it is in your best interest to help me find a pair that look good 'cause you're the one who is going to have to see me look ugly if I pick out a bad pair on my own." Still not that excited. So I went by myself and there was a really cool saleslady there who helped me find a pair that I like. They aren't Garcia-on-criminal-minds-red, but almost. I am very excited about them. They were a little more expensive than EyeMasters would have been because they were only having a 50% off sale on the lens, not the lens AND frame. BUT they have a 30 days no questions asked return policy AND if I decide that I hate my new almost red glasses within the next year I can exchange them for another pair. SWEET. Probably I wouldn't have been able to make the decision on my own had that not been part of the deal. I'll take a picture when I pick them up tomorrow. Can't wait.

I figured out tonight that I am the overnight crew's favorite manager because I always let them leave early. Really early. Tonight we left an hour and a half early. I am not doing anything illegal because we all clock out, etc. but I think that staying up until 2 in the morning folding, hanging, and size stickering clothes is about the quickest way to go from sane to insane. Especially to the average customer the store looks decent after the first hour of the shift. I've learned by working at this job that I will never shop at a mall on the weekends or after 2 pm on a school day. I hope I've learned more than that over the past 4 ½ months but that is the only thing that comes to mind right now.

New Glasses

After work tonight I went downstairs to EyeMasters because they are having a 50% off sale and my current (old) glasses are driving me crazy. I tried the contacts thing and it didn't work out so hot so I have been wearing the glasses I got from Wal-Mart a couple of years ago. Anyway, after my eye exam I wandered around the store for about 45 minutes trying to find a pair of glasses that I like. It's difficult for me to try them on because I get grossed out because I know that every pair has been on a lot of people's greasy faces. Di-sgus-ting. Especially when the clear lenses are covered with grimy finger prints. Not to mention that each pair looked weirder on my face than the pair before and pretty soon I couldn't tell if I they looked okay, or not. So, I walked out with my prescription without picking out the frames. Hopefully I can convince Jeff to come with me on Saturday and help me pick out the frames then. Ironically, I put my current pair back on and realized that I like these ones even less than the majority of the ones I tried on and decided against! I was watching Criminal Minds and the character "Garcia" had on some sweet glasses. If I can find a picture of them I will post it. They were red. I don't know that I am gutsy enough to go with red glasses but I know that I am going to stick with thick frames.

Work today was pretty boring. Who am I kidding? It was REALLY boring. Weekday mornings are not busy so time moves by so S-L-O-W-L-Y. We are actually getting some cute clothes in—good thing I am not going to be working there much longer or else I would be trying to justify spending the money on them! Mom came to visit me at the store before she drove back to Vegas. She stopped at the food court and brought me a California roll and some much needed Mt. Dew. I was bummed that she had to leave today—I'm hoping to find a way to visit them before they move to Kentucky in mid-October. I can't believe my dad is retiring from the police department. It's weird to know that in just a couple of weeks my "home" in Vegas won't be my "home" anymore. With Mom and Dad gone the only family that will be Vegas still is Jeff's sister and her family and they are planning to move to St. George sometime in the next couple of years. I'm excited for my dad to finally be retiring—he has been counting down the days, hours, and minutes for the past 5 years.

Pretty boring day. I am going to go upstairs and read Pledged for awhile. I stayed up too late reading it last night and ended up sleeping in, again, this morning. Whoops! I need to finish it before Jeff gets into town tomorrow afternoon because I won't have a chance to read while he is here even if I want to. Reading it last night I was having flash-backs of my freshman year of college. I didn't go to any part of the Greek Rush Week—I remember Lori and I talking about it but I never went. We had become friends with a couple of different guys from the dorms and the one of the girls in the room across the hall joined one—it seemed like she was expected to join one. Her mom and sister had both been in a sorority- I don't remember which one. It seemed like as soon as Rush week was over and they became pledges they disappeared—constantly having to be somewhere or doing something for their house. But from this book that is pretty normal and actually expected. Not my idea of a good time.

Last Fertility Doctor Test!

My last test was this morning. It was a sonohysterogram. It's an ultrasound of the uterus after they fill the uterus up with water like a balloon. Weird. I got a little nervous when the doctor asked if I had taken an aspirin prior to the procedure and I hadn't, but luckily it didn't hurt and I didn't cramp too bad afterward. I've read and heard horror stories about all of these procedures but Dr. Zoneraich is amazing. Before each procedure they've had me read a paper explaining the procedure and the risks and then sign it. While reading what is about to happen I get nervous and then he starts the procedure and before I know it he is having me look at the screen and then it is over. Anyway, Dr. Zoneraich found a small something on the upper-bottom wall but it was only 3 mm x 2 mm. He didn't say what exactly it was but he did say he isn't going to worry about it because of the location and size it is not a big deal. I called Jeff on the way home from the appointment and he is getting really nervous that he is the reason I haven't gotten pregnant, not me. My guess is that it is a hormonal thing but we won't know until Monday, October 1^st at the consult with Dr. Z. So I am going to be in Arizona at least another 2 weeks. I haven't told Jeff that yet—he worked a graveyard shift last night and so hasn't slept much in the past 48 hours so I am going to wait until he gets some sleep before I tell him that I won't be coming to Utah for a couple more weeks.

After the doctor appointment my mom and I went to see the movie Stardust. It was actually better than I expected because I have heard mixed reviews about it. Although, I have to admit that any time I go to a movie with my mom it is funnier that first time, with her, than when I watch it later on by myself or with other people. I couldn't tell whether Stardust was supposed to be taken seriously or if it was a comedy in the way that Princess Bride is a comedy. Either way, I thought it was pretty amusing and couldn't tell what was going to happen from one moment to the next. The theatre didn't have very many people in it so a couple of times I was trying to suppress my laughter because mom and I were laughing beyond the usual giggle. The movie is based on the book Stardust by Neil Gaiman. I am going to see if Barnes and Noble has it tomorrow on my break.

I started the book Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Fuller. Gwen recommended it to me. A journalist found 4 girls in sororities to confide in her about their experiences in the Greek sorority system. I just started it last night so I am only about 20 pages into it but I like her writing style so far. The Greek system was never my thing—but I am curious about it.

Fertility Doctor Appointment #2

Last night I could not sleep. By the knot in my stomach when I woke up this morning I am sure it was because I was nervous about my doctor appt. this morning. Mom and I woke up early to make it up to Scottsdale by 8:15 this morning. The appointment was for an HSG. I had heard and read horror stories about how painful it can be because the uterus can start cramping really bad when the dye is injected. Before we left the house this morning I took four ibuprofen just in case. The doctor injected my uterus with an iodine based dye and then as it went into the uterus and then through the fallopian tubes he took x-rays to make sure that there wasn't anything blocking the tubes. It was actually pretty cool to watch the screen and see the dye go through everything and then spill out. He said something along the lines of "You have beautiful spilling." Which probably means a lot more to him than it does to me but I will take "beautiful" anything if it means that the problem is getting figured out. My results looked similar to the left-side photo. Honestly, this wasn't nearly as bad as my ultrasound experience last week. Tomorrow is my last appointment before our consult with him, hopefully next week. I am praying that he has an idea of what the problem is and crossing my fingers it's something that can be treated by a regular ob/gyn so that I can move to Utah with Jeff. With just this one test left I am feeling anxious to get moved up there with him.

** The pictures are from WebMD.

On another note, I finished Blood Orange after my doc appointment this morning. It was okay. I didn't enjoy it enough to recommend it though. The author tried to have too many things going on at once. The author created too many characters in turmoil without enough development of each individual character to make them seem real. I guess that's what I get for buying a book on sale at Wal-mart.

The weekend

I dropped Jeff off at the airport a couple of hours ago. He flew in on Friday night and was able to stay until this afternoon. It was good to have him in our house again. I realized this weekend how much we balance each other out. I tend to stress out about the abstract big picture things, worrying about each individual decision and the effect it will or will not have on our life 10 years from now. Jeff, on the other hand, doesn't stress out about that. Eternally optimistic, he seems to have this deep sense that everything will work out for the best because it always has and always will. On the other hand, I don't stress out about moment to moment situations and/or catastrophes. For example, if I lock myself out of the house, or spill milk ALL OVER the kitchen, or burn toast, or ram my shoulder into the doorway, or stub my toe- it usually results in laughing at the situation. The opposite is true for Jeff; nothing can put him into a tail spin faster than misplaced keys, bad drivers, computers messing up, or getting locked out of the house. The result is that in almost every potentially frustrating situation, one of us is laughing and the other is swearing. Luckily, this weekend was free from any of that though. I spoke too soon. I was writing the entry at the same time Jeff got to Vegas. He had stopped to get gas and while cleaning out some trash from his car accidentally threw away his cell phone. He had to then explain to the non-English speaking lady behind the counter what happened so that she could open up the trash can for him to dig out his phone. After finally finding it he went and washed his hands "20 times" and then cleaned off his phone that had been "goobered" on. Needless to say, while he was telling me the story I was cracking up—enough that he finally started to laugh as well.

I was determined to take some pictures this weekend, but didn't. My camera keeps dying on me. After taking just a couple of pictures it starts threatening to shut down and the picture viewer on the back is TINY. But I think we have enough Thank You Network points built up that I can get a pretty good camera without having to spend real money on it.*

This morning I finished Don't Lets Go to the Dogs Tonight. I recommend it. She definitely had a different childhood than most people I know.

I started Blood Orange this afternoon. I am only about 50 pages into it but it is okay so far. I have a difficult time switching from a memoir to a novel and back again because memoirs "cut to the chase" (sorry, a cliché but I can't think of how else to describe what I mean). I get bored and distracted if an author spends a paragraph on the way the light filters through the trees and the way the air smells and the sounds, etc. before actually getting to the point of the story. If you have ever read or started to read, A Walk to Remember, by Nicholas Sparks, then you know what I mean. I become very impatient when an author throws a character in the story that is full of mystery or whatever and you just have to keep reading to figure out who they are and why they are there. So anyway, that's why I like memoirs because usually as a character enters a story a brief background is given as to who they are, why they are in the story, etc. Long story short: Blood Orange is probably better than I am giving it credit for; my brain just hasn't fully switched into novel mode yet.

*We are competitive with each other about silly things. For example, one week we were really late getting to church, and for once it was not my fault. Actually, since I have short hair it is rarely my fault anymore. Anyway, we got to church 20 minutes late which is really embarrassing because there are all these families sitting quietly with 7 kids all lined up in a row who managed to make it on-time and we have no excuse- it's just the 2 of us. So we sat next to who I soon learned was the Relief Society President's family. I realized how late it was when I looked up at the clock in the chapel and the hour hand was pointed to 10 and the minute hand was pointed to 12. (Our church starts at 9:40 am). So I leaned over and said something about that to Jeff. He retorted something along the lines of it only being 9:50 not 10. Something worthy of note is that Jeff's eyesight is almost as bad as mine and yet he refuses to wear any type of contacts or glasses. So very maturely I bet him $50 that it was 10 not 9:50. He agreed on the bet and so I leaned over and asked the teenage girl next to me what time it was. Understanding the seriousness of the situation, she stared at the clock for a few seconds and said that it was 10. So I won. A new pair of jeans and bragging rights securely in place- which really mean more than the pair of jeans I was able to buy without ever having to hear about it from him.** Besides the bet, "$5 if you name the movie this sappy chic song (unchained melody) is from," on the way to the airport this afternoon, which he correctly answered, "Ghost," our most recent bet was that he would lose 15 lbs by the time I move to Utah. If he loses 15 lbs he gets to buy a new pair of shoes and if he doesn't lose 15 lbs then I get a new camera. We prematurely agreed today that I can go ahead and order the camera. I am very excited.

**Jeff swears that he never comments about the amount of clothes I have so to be fair I am noting it here.

Wal-mart & Reading

Today was the most relaxing day off I think I have had in a long time. Minus the fiasco at Wal-mart trying to get my oil-changed. It's funny watching employees and management interact behind the counter now that I spend my day in a similar situation. The poor kid trying to figure out the scanner thing could not make it work so he had to enter in my information, over and over and over again. In the meantime, every person he asked for help was in the middle of doing something else and either unwilling or unable to assist him. Also, I noticed that for whatever reason every person who actually worked on the cars all decided to take their break at the exact same time—so cars were lining up but no one was working on an of them! What a mess. From a management stand-point that is a disaster waiting to happen. Especially when a mom with 4 ½ kids in tow comes walking up to retrieve her mini-van, fully expecting it to be ready, just to find out they haven't even started working on it. It is moments like that when all of her kids are demanding her attention and "wanting to look at the fish" or "wanting a different color m&m" or any of the other things I heard from them in the 3 minutes we shared the same space at the counter that I am able to take a deep breath and be thankful for not having children yet. (Then I let out that deep breath and go back to feeling sorry for myself about it). On that same thought, I was able to talk my mom into coming to visit me for a few days next week! She is going to be here for both of my doctor appointments and she used to be a nurse so she is wonderful and amazing and willing to sit through them with me. I tend to under-estimate how much I worry about things. For example, I wasn't really conscious about how much I was worrying about the appointments on Monday and Tuesday until I felt how relieved I was to know that I would have someone in the room with me. If that makes any sense. (Having mom with me instead of Jeff also drastically reduces the likelihood of Jeff injuring the doctor for causing me pain).

I'm reading the book, Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller. It's a memoir about a white girl who grew up in Africa. It's a pretty good read so far, I am about ¾ through it. She is able to recount tales from her childhood without apologizing for them which is pretty refreshing actually. It seems that any time a person writes about their experience in a place where race is the basis of a power struggle—one side is the victim/martyr and the other side is evil and horrible. In her novel, this isn't the case—I tend to not sympathize with their plight as whites in Rhodesia turned Zimbabwe but it isn't because she apologizes for their existence in that country even once. To be honest, I spend most of the time fighting the urge to get up and wash my hands because of the filthy conditions inherent on a ranch without running water in the middle of Africa. When the author describes riding on a horse all day in the heat or the slimy water at the bottom of a barrel I have to fight my gag reflex and read as fast as possible to get through those descriptions and into a safer paragraph about fire ants. I'll let you know if the last quarter is as good as the first three.

Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do when I move back to Utah with Jeff. There is a part of me that doesn't want to work at all and then there is another side that can't imagine not working full-time. It would be pretty cool to have time to scrapbook again and learn how to quilt. Not to mention it would be nice to have time to do things so that I actually have pictures to scrapbook! I have been working at Hollister since a week after graduating from college. I really like my job at the store that I am at right now but I don't feel like I am contributing the world in any effective way. I have fun working with the teenagers- that is really my favorite part which has got me thinking about getting my teaching license and teaching at a high school. It would be nice to have the same work schedule as Jeff if it turns out that I am incapable of not working at all or just part-time. The first 2 months we were married I didn't have a job and was just going to school full-time. I think he enjoyed it because I actually did the laundry, cleaned, and cooked dinner every night. However, I started to get restless and have been working ever since. Another option would be to go back to school and get another degree. I would love to get an economics degree or learn who to do CAD drawings so that I can draw house plans. Both will require Math which means I get to start at BASIC math because I somehow managed to graduate high school and college without really understanding algebra.

On another note- we've decided to go on the cruise with Angie and Derek in January. I am excited to have a chance to hang out with my sister as married couples without her having to be a mom the whole time. I don't even know where it is going or the exact dates but I don't care. I finally decided that Jeff and I have to just make plans to go on trips and do things and then worry about making the financial part work out later. We keep coming up with cool ideas for trips and then talk ourselves out of them because of the money. But I am seeing a trend, which is that we don't end up doing anything, ever, because we tell ourselves that the money should be spent elsewhere. In the meantime, I am filling suffocated and trapped because I don't have the freedom to take off for a weekend and go somewhere if I want. When I told Angie, this was her response, "Well that's because before you were married you didn't have anybody that loved you." Gee, thanks Ang. I knew what she meant but it was still funny to give her a hard time as she immediately started back-tracking! I keep letting other things get in the way and fall into being too busy to really live. For example, before we moved from Cedar City to Arizona we were supposed to go visit my grand-parents in Roosevelt. Not far, about a 6 hour drive. But, we didn't. Then we moved to Arizona and after being here 3 months my Grandma passed away. THEN we made the trip up, for her funeral. So stupid. I spent the first days after she died feeling guilty about not having made more effort to see her. The same thing goes for all my friends from before Jeff and I got married. Very few of them have even met Jeff, let alone gotten to know him. The good news is that he agreed not to be involved in any sport teams summer 2008 so that we can travel more and visit people. Yay! That is one thing that I am really excited about with Jeff becoming a teacher/coach. We will have time during winter break and summer to do fun things even if that means that I will spend fall and spring sitting in the stands watching whatever team he is coaching!

ultrasound and bloodwork

So I am seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka fertility doctor), well technically we are seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist because Jeff has an appointment next Friday too. Our initial consultation was in August and my first appt. was yesterday.
WARNING: I don't know how graphic the rest of the this entry will or won't be so consider yourself warned.
My appt. was for bloodwork and an ultrasound. "No big deal," I thought, picturing the hundreds of baby shows I'd seen with the ultrasound being performed from the outside. Getting blood drawn wasn't a hug deal although it did surprise me that I wasn't able to watch the vials fill up this time. In the past I've had no problem watching the needle go in and the vials fill up- comparing it to each previous time to see if the nurse hit a good vein or whatever. Anyway, this time I kept getting a little queasy when I would look at the vials so I had to look away and felt like I had just taken one giant step down on the pain tolerance/general toughness scale. After that, the nurse led me into the room for the ultrasound and pointing to the table she told me to undress from the waist down. Definitely not what I was hoping. So then I am sitting there on the table waiting for the Doc and I see the ultrasound machine. And then I see the wand. Definitely not my day. So needless to say the ultrasound wasn't done by rubbing anything on my tummy.
The doc said that my uterus looked fine, and then that he was "looking for my right ovary." Then there was silence while he kept jabbing and poking and twisting that thing all around. In the meantime I am staring at the nurse's face who is looking at the ultrasound screen and she keeps getting this puzzled look on her face. But realizing that I am staring at her she keeps catching herself and going blank faced or giving me this little smile. And then he says, "Actually, I'm HUNTING for your right ovary." Hunting is not a word one hopes to hear when it entails your insides being stirred around like cake batter. But finally he found it. He said that it was hiding behind my uterus and that it has a cyst on it. The left ovary was fine.
Going into this whole adventure the doc said that he wanted to do bloodwork, an ultrasound, an HSG, and a sonohistogram (or something that sounds like that). So I am halfway there. Yay!
I have an appt. Monday morning and Tuesday morning for the other two.
I have been trying not to think about the cyst because he said that it wasn't too big and that with girls my age they usually go away all by themselves. So I am supposed to go back in 4 to 6 weeks.
But here's the kicker: Jeff is living in Utah right now, with his parents. He moved back a couple of weeks ago to go back to school to get his teaching license. I am still living in Arizona in the house we just bought a few months ago. Our insurance is through my job so to keep going to this fertility doctor I need to keep working, and to keep working I need to live in Arizona. So after our next consult when all the lab and test results are in, we've got to figure out a way to keep coming down here to see this doc, find a doc in St. George that can work with us, or find a new doc in Salt Lake City and start traveling up there for the appts.
I feel like we've been "trying" to get pregnant for so long that it's just how it is going to be for us. Forever. I can't imagine being a mom and at the same time I can't imagine how life will be if I never am one.

Day 1

I don't know how many times I have heard, "today is the first day of the rest of your life." or some other variation of that phrase. Regardless, I realize that as I was growing up I always kept some sort of journal or diary, at least until I moved out of my parents house. Since then, I haven't kept a journal as regularly and since we have been married, Jeff has become the walking, breathing witness of my life. But he pointed out that he doesn't remember a lot of things very well. Therefore, here I am- I've started and stopped a couple of handwritten journals over the past couple of years unsuccessfully so I am going to give blog writing a whirl to see if it sticks.