just trying to stay sane.

So I have been in denial.

Tonight after work, I decided I had better start packing and cleaning because I am moving in a little over 48 hours. And I have not packed one thing. Jeff moved the stuff we never got around to unpacking to storage already, but we still need to move our bedroom set-- that is still full of my clothes.

Here's the thing- one of our friends who is going to be renting from us had to move in tonight because the power got shut off at his old apartment. Understandable. But it doesn't change the fact that his stuff is now in my room in my house. In the amount of time it took to bring up a bed and a dresser I went from occupant to guest. So weird.

As I was cleaning the bathroom I started to feel angry. But I know that I am not really angry- I am just sad. I'm sad because I'm leaving our first home before I had a chance to really make it mine. In this step forward for Jeff I feel like I am taking 10 giant steps back for me. Which is okay I guess-- that's what marriage is about- I just wish I had one or two more nights for it to feel like our house.

The stupid thing is that I have lived here 5 months and haven't made 1 friend outside of work. So it's not like I have all sorts of friendship ties- and honestly I don't really like my job most days. But part of me feels like we are losing ground on the fertility doctor side of things because when we move we will need to find a new one and then wait to get in to see him or her. And this was the first place that for once it was just jeff and me. I have so many good memories from the months we lived here-- mostly just fun dinner conversations because our idea of a good time is going out to eat and stuffing ourselves such that we almost fall into a coma by the time we're home. I'm so glad he is flying in tomorrow because I don't think that I could handle finishing up the packing and then drive away by myself.

I really don't think that I am going to do much more tonight. Maybe pack up some of my clothes. The rest can wait until Jeff is here so that I don't lose my mind. Our last doctor appointment with Dr. Z is on Monday at 8:30 am. Then I am going to drop Jeff off at the airport and start the drive. I am going to stay with my parents for a couple of days and enjoy hanging out with them without having to rush off to work. I have a feeling it will be like when I would come home from college on break-- I would fall asleep for like a week and only wake up long enough to eat something and then I would be asleep again.

This whole thing just sucks. I know I sound like a whiney baby but truth is truth-- it just sucks.